Crazy Monday: Sleepover nightmares: Men share their worst experiences
There is a dramatic video clip doing rounds on social media. In the clip, a woman is being kicked out of an apartment, believed to be somewhere in Nairobi, in the dead of the night. All the while, she protests the injustice.
She can be heard begging to be let to sleep and leave early in the morning, but the angry man will hear none of it. He keeps barking orders, yelling: “Woman, Just get lost”.
The context of the incident is not clearly known, but wags and social media users believe it was a ‘sleepover’ gone wrong.
The incident saw many male social media users share some of their worst sleepover tales and different types of overnight visits.
While most ‘sleepovers’ go well, there are a few that go awfully wrong. One highlight of such occasions is the drama and antics.
An oft told story is that of a randy bachelor who strikes gold in a club. Oh yes, it almost always starts at a night club. The excited chap, believing it was his silver tongue that got him the girl, takes her home for a good time.
More often than not, that is the last thing he remembers when he wakes up hours later in a house that has been cleaned out. Some unlucky poor devils end up in hospital after their ‘hook up’ of the night feeds him drinks laced with the famous ‘mchele’.
Then there is the proverbial case of the blue balls. Take, for instance, when the man invites over a lady and expects fireworks between the sheets, only to be denied some action, for whatever reason.
Everything starts on high note. You prepare a nice meal. Serve drinks and enjoy together as you watch a movie.
As you watch the movie, your mind gets into the gutter and all you can picture is digging in for a wild kiss, and even wilder moments that follow.
But just when your hands start wondering, she asks: “Una-do (what are you doing)?” You assume she is joking and proceed, only to realise that she is indeed serious.
When this once happened to a certain Paul*, he sulked and slept, cursing the gods.
“Some women send the wrong signals,” complains Paul. “If you know you won’t deliver, please come up with an excuse and cancel the sleepover date,” he says.
He adds that it’s even worse when a woman agrees to an overnight visit to a bachelor, when she knows too well she is on her menses.
“Such a night ends up looking like 48-hours long,” he laughs, warning that this is dangerous and can lead to date rape.
Apparently, what drives men up the wall is that the woman will join you for an expensive dinner, gobble the rarefied food, gulp choice drinks, and agree to go home with you.
And some can be so playful and naughty, to the point of dressing skimpily or seductively, but insist on sleeping on the couch.
“Some will even see you buy condoms but won’t make a fuss. They time when your fingers start doing the walking to protest. Or preach about how she is not a prostitute. Never mind this is a character you have invested in financially, hoping to get payment in kind the day she agrees to visit for a sleepover,” complains Muli*.
But as one woman told us, it’s not that such ladies purpose to punish men in such fashion. Some behave that way after getting a raw deal.
“You can chat with a man and become buddies on social media and agree to a sleep over, but what you get in his house is not what you expected,” she says.
She adds that at times, such women get to these men’s houses and find them disgustingly dirty.
Or end up at a house where a man shares with friends, denying her proper privacy.
“Some can be very dirty. I recall visiting a pal for a sleepover and changed my mind about sleeping there because of the filth. I had to stage-manage an emergency, which help me leave place in the dead of the night,” she says.
Men are advised to maintain high levels of hygiene when hosting a female guest overnight.
But if you thought it is only men who never get what they expect from sleepovers, think again.
For a certain Janet*, she once had a male friend she really liked. Despite the fear of him judging her negatively, she agreed to go to his house for a sleepover.
“I went there expecting a good time, only for us to sleep like a brother and a sister, even after getting into his bed in a sexy lingerie and teasing him and engaging in some subtle seductive mischief several times,” says Janet.
Among all types of sleepovers, men we spoke to seem to fancy one in particular.
Unplanned sleepovers, which a certain Rodgers described in street parlance as “zile za kuangukia”.
“There are those you stumble upon accidentally. Especially during house parties. You like each other and, oddly, she agrees to go home with you. Or a stranded friend requests to sleep at your place,” chuckles Rodgers.
While expecting good times, some men have suffered great agony.
Take, for example, those you take home and regret once you realise she has ‘tyres’ around her waist and everything else is fake.
John* painfully remembers of one horrific night he suffered in the bed of a woman who had so much flatulence that the whole night was a farting expedition. He would not touch her, and she was dead asleep, letting out radioactive wind from her bowels.
“It was the most unladylike thing I have experienced. I couldn’t believe what she was doing, the whole night,” says John.
The worst sleepovers, however, are those that spill into something else.
Shadrack* had the longest month, last year when a woman who came supposedly for a night but got so comfortable in the house, and ended up spending one month there.
“She was in no rush. I think she had no place to go. However, much I mistreated her, deprived her, she hang on.
Even when I left without leaving a coin in the house, I would come back to find she had cooked and ready to serve me,” he says.
A tale is told of a man who took home a woman from a night club along Thika Road, only for her to turn out to be a prostitute.
She caused a racket at his house, demanding Sh3,000 or she burns down the building.
Never mind it was mid-month and the man was as broke as a church mouse.
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