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May best liar win: Five tips to win campus elections

May best liar win: Five tips to win campus elections

It is, fortunately for many and unfortunately for some, that time of the year again. The time campus politicians will develop silver tongues and buy screaming blue suits again.

They will come, some in groups and some alone, to woo you - comrades and delegates - with sweet nothings the way Luo men woo girls. They will be sleek and careful and some of them will throw money around because that is how elections are won this side of the Sahara.

This article is for them, these politicians. If you’re one of the chaps I have described above, you may want to gather around and take notes because we don’t have all day here.

I have been around your ilk for a longer time than I would like to admit. And, in that period, I have picked a thing or two along the way; some of them you may know, others may be new to you.

I’m going to share a few of them today, in brief simple words. Take it or leave it, I really care less.

1. Be seen. Be everywhere.

Be at the mess during all meals and be at all events and be at the smoking zone and be at the local joints locked by campus students and be at the school hospital distributing free condoms.

Let the voters see you so damn much they can’t think about anybody else but you.

2. Lie humorously.

Tell straight bull-faced lies through your teeth and with a straight face. But make them downright hilarious. Nobody wants to hear you say you’ll ensure a new hostel is built because everybody before you said that and so they know you won’t do it.

But I bet you they want to hear stupid things like you’ll install Wi-Fi in all the washrooms so they can get their copies of Reader’s Digest while they poop. See? You’re already laughing.

3. Dress up.

Be the guy in the one suit, they will never forget. Have just one suit for all your posters and walk around every day in it. You could wash the shirt during the night for all I care, but let it be clean by morning for another round of wooing.

If it is blue, they will associate everything blue with you. And that will be a good thing, it’s called branding.

4. No opposition.

Do not ever allow anyone to oppose you in public. Politics requires two things: Fear and respect. Have a little bit of both, let those who cannot respect you fear you.

Let them tremble and pee in their pants when you walk by. And this is not achieved by beating them up, this is achieved by the PR you spread about yourself. Make some scary. Make some admirable.

5. Beautiful girls.

If your girlfriend is ugly-ish, leave her at home. Walk around only the prettiest mamis in campus. It is a powerful thing. It will send a message, trust that.