There are friends, then there are male buddies. You, know, the ‘boys’ kind of friend. It could be the childhood buddy, the estate pal, the village mate, the workplace colleague or the alumni.
Besides talking politics, girls, cars and money, men have different types of friends which women never get to wrap their heads around. These are the type of companies men keep in the name of friendship:
1. The ‘Chief of Stuff’
He can get weed at 2am and knows where fifth-hand side mirrors are sold on River Road. He can source random chicks on a rainy Wednesday night, and has the private number of the OCPD in Kasipul Kabondo, even though he hails from the muddy hillsides of Mucatha!
2. The foodie
You could be in Nakuru, but the foodie, usually big in size, would have already called WaKa Knife Butchery in Imara Daima to place an order for a ka-wet fry with pili pili kwa mbaaali. You can never drink on an empty stomach when foodie is ordering “kilo ingine weka boiro ichemke 37 minutes pekee, then weka waru kubwa saba. After five minutes, weka spinach ya Sh30 na usiweke chumvi ama pili pili. Ka-Johnnie ako na blood pressure!”
3. The godfather
He is almost your dad’s age and probably got you that job at KRA. He is your guidepost in life’s journey and you rarely meet him in bars, but in his house after calling in advance. Over endless cups of tea, you will pour out your frustrations and he will fix everything with a single phone call. In you, he sees the son he never had.
4. The enforcer
You go crying to him and he will unleash ‘Jeshi La Mzee’ on the makangas from Buruburu who could be pulling ‘Deputy Governor manenos’ on your wife. You unleash him on those who refuse to pay the Sh300 loan you advanced. Drinking with him is never complete without a fracas. He can dare cops, telling them, “Bunduki ilitengenezwa kuua wanaume!”
5. The sumbua
He is mostly the bachelor childhood friend who is ever broke. No wonder, your wife hates him. He owes you hundreds of shillings which will never be paid even in two life times. He is closely related to the stingy friend who last bought a round when Kanu was in power. The sumbua is also your hobby friend with whom you watch weekend soccer matches.
6. The brain box
This is the intelligent friend who sends you links to articles in The Economist and The New Yorker. Very few in the WhatsApp group, especially the ignoramus who is always posting porn, get his highbrow jokes. The brain box is related to the comedian who drinks free booze from his endless jokes.
7. The loaded buddy
He is loaded like a gun and happily takes tabs for all drinks without wincing. His kids go to schools with a ‘Brook’ as part of the name and whenever there is a harambee, he’s the first one you call as he often loans money which you end up drinking after paying two years later!
8. The wannabe
He tries to act like the dude in number seven but develops a mini heart attack when he’s handed the bar bill, since his income is choked with a Range Rover loan and high interest mortgage. He’s the one who keeps on checking how the interest rate capping law is fairing!
9. The bosom buddy
He accompanies you to all traditional functions, including your ruracio. He was the best man in your wedding which most of your friends missed. Your wife has no problem with you spending time with him, especially if godfather is in the mix!
10. The pastor
He is there when the world turns its back on you. He was your naughty childhood pal who got saved and can now baptise your kids with names like Leroy which are not in the Bible. He will always be there for you when you need spiritual nourishment, like when your wife elopes with a Buruburu makanga.