Lifestyle

My friends don't understand why I prefer dating older women only

My friends don't understand why I prefer dating older women only

In Summary

  • The choice of who to love is fundamental to nurturing a healthy relationship.
  • Knowing who you are and identifying your values will determine who you choose to let into your life.

Hi Kitoto?

I am a 25-year-old man who prefers to date older women. My friends keep telling me that I’m making a mess of my life by getting into relationships with women much older than me. Unfortunately, I’ve tried to date within my age bracket but the relationships don’t work. I feel trapped, I don’t know what is right for me anymore and it makes me feel as if I am losing my mind. I need your help.

Hi,

It has been said that love is in the eyes of the beholder. God has given each one of us the power of choice.

Basically, this enables us to choose between right and wrong, what is good for us and what is not, and what to do and what not to do.

In the end, God transferred both the power of choice and the consequences of the choice made to humankind; therefore, we solely hold the power in our hands.

With this power, we sometimes make great choices, while in other moments we make choices that we live to regret.

In your situation, the most important question to ask yourself is why you prefer older women.

While some men date women for purposes of building a relationship that would lead to marriage, others do so purely for pleasure.

The reason behind your desire to get into a relationship is key in the way you go about it and who you date.

I however find it strange when one moves from one intimate relationship to another. It’s as if one has no idea what he wants in a relationship.

VISIONDating for temporal enjoyment only will leave you hurt and disoriented.

There are many wounded individuals out there that still regret why they got into a certain relationship.

I feel that your current disorientation and confusion is the result of a lack of vision in what you are looking for.

Remember, like in personal growth, without a vision, you will wonder aimlessly.

Second is the choice of who to love. Your dilemma is whether age matters when it comes to romantic relationships. The answer is yes.

I believe age matters because there are some that prefer to have a partner that is slightly older or younger than them; therefore, the choice of who to love is fundamental to nurturing a healthy relationship.

Another factor to consider is character. Knowing who you are and identifying your values will determine who you choose to let into your life.

OBJECTIVE

There are many happy men who have married older women, equally the same for happy young women that have married older men; though of course, every marriage has issues that plague it.

I believe your dilemma is locked up in your vision and value system. What do you want in a relationship and later, marriage?

Nobody has a monopoly of knowledge, and there is a lot we can learn from other relationships, and just like two people are not the same, no two relationships can be the same.

My opinion is that you should not allow yourself to be too quickly swayed by what your friends think.

Determine what you are looking for, and once you do, be willing to pay the price for getting it. But whatever decision you make, do not base your love relationship on worldly pleasure.

Be objective and build within yourself a vision of the type of relationship you want then go for it. This will not only bring fulfilment to you, but to your partner as well.

******

Hi Kitoto?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for the past seven months and I love him a lot.

I think he’s a good guy with good morals and values. However, he recently told me that he is not sure whether he is in love with me too, but would want to continue being in a relationship with me. I think part of his uncertainty towards how he feels about me could stem from our different backgrounds. For instance, he comes from a strong Christian family although he is not very religious — he also knows my family quite well. My question to you is: is it advisable to continue being in a relationship with him despite him not being love with me, with the hope that he may fall in love with me eventually? Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

Hi there,

One of the most common statements I keep hearing from women during counselling sessions is, “I love him, but he says he doesn't love me.” Or “Can I still be with him even if he does not love me?”

These are questions I find frustrating. The fact is that this man is not sure of his love for you and yet he wants to continue relating to you.

If your feelings for each other are mutual, you would not be asking this question. I suggest that you get to the bottom of why he is unsure of his love for you.

Speculation from your side is a waste of time because only he can give you the answer you seek.

Knowing the reasons for his feelings will help you know whether some of the reasons can be resolved or not.

Staying in a relationship where you are not loved will only continue to hurt you.

Your suspicions that this could have something to do with your value system is a factor you can only settle together.

Digging deeper to discover the factors that could be ailing a relationship on the rocks has helped many relationships rekindle their lost love — it could be that he is unhappy with some things about you or the relationship.

CONVERSATION

Get to the bottom of this matter by having a sitting with your boyfriend and having a heart-to-heart talk.

Once you pinpoint where the problem might be, find out whether the issues can be resolved.

It is also important not to allow yourself to be manipulated to stay in the relationship if there is no hope of your boyfriend loving you back.

Finally, should you choose to give your relationship a chance, give each other space. It is easy to compromise when one is desperate.

During a past counselling session with a couple, the woman told us that though she loved her husband, she had found out that he didn’t love her. The man did not deny that he no longer loved his wife and explained that he in fact wanted a divorce.

When we dug deeper, we discovered that her husband had become distant because he no longer trusted her.

He also got jealous when she was around male workmates or even close male relatives.

Instead of dealing with his insecurities, he deflected them on his wife, blaming her for how he felt and acted.

Taking time to talk will help the two of you discover what you really need to know.

The last thing you want is this man to use you, dump you, and later defend himself, pointing out that he had told you he didn’t love you.

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