Entertainment

Celebrity season of break ups and break downs

Celebrity season of break ups and break downs

Let’s for a second put aside Eric Omosh’s fake relationships with the likes of South Sudan model, Ayen.

Coz the guy is just clowning around with ‘mayengs’ on Wife Material. (In fact he should just call that show ‘Life Material,’ coz most chicks there are jokers, just living it up).

Why can’t someone start a show called ‘Maraya Material’ for a change?

Last week, we had the very bitter fallout between one LGBTQ champion called Makena n Michelle Ntalami – a waste of fine femme booty as per most male fisis.

It made the Smitts ROTFLMAO, coz who knew dikeys too could be so ‘Mau Mau’ n dawg their bishes like a man-sense?! Lemme confess that zamani, I used to think LGBTQ was a brand of luxury luggage, like Louis Vuitton.

But Makena gawt guy balls!

How d'yu shit on a yummy mode like Michelle with a married celeb wife + a gyno gal (let your fingers do the walking)? Kweli, that's being a cheeky chick, kuruka mtu wako true ka Michelle.

For all the dudes who still feel spit over Michelle, wondering mbona anachagua ‘nta lamba’ over metal hitting the lami, here are some consoling lines for you drool-wits from the legendary Two Live Crew.

‘B****s go crazy after all-night ****

Startin’ from the back then ride the buck

Since a good **** is hard to find

Kill that ****y then **** your mind

They like the d***, just claim defeat

Forget the salad, just eat my meat

They pay big dough, cause dat loaf don’t come free

That thing will make you cheat on your man

Make you so freaky and hot in the ***

That **** will make you hurt yourself

When you don’t have it, you ******-**** yourself

But now here’s an awful thing,

Bull-dagger bishes are messing the game

Rubbin’ belly to belle, n skin-to-skin/ banging like craaayyy

But ain’t no d*** going in ...’

Youtube ‘Almighty!’

And now onto a celeb break-up that's been too long coming – that of Amira from Jimal.

Dude’s been in a love triangle with socialite Amber Ray for yonks.

Lemme tell you how that works – and I ain’t phat shaming, coz the Smitts don’t do dat, P.C.

If you're mistaken for tank ya maji every time you are outside your digs basking amber rays of sunshine, and your jamaa is cheating on you with a socialite who don’t look like ndovu kuu, do two things. Remove whatever you're munching from your mouth, n boot the bastard outta the crib.

Talking of ‘Ndovu ni Kuu’ (rewatched video before spinning this shiznit, n was the 8,008,888 view), that collabo between the OG Khalligraph Jones, Boutross n Krispah speaks of ‘Pamela.’

The gal who broke Krispah’s heart by getting preggers with another dude, while being his boo!

Young Pulser dudes, you may find yourself with a bae who you think is your ride-or-die, but she riding someone serious out there while just getting high with your broke butt. It's life. Let it be, leggo.

There’ll be deeper samaki in the seas!

But then for me the real, ugly drama is the break-up of KRG and his wife, Linah, who split with the kiddies after their seven years together.

KGR has laid out all the blame on an “envious older sister” who he calls a “silly adviser who wants to ruin your (Linah) life coz tho you are younger, you were doing much better than her...”

Linah has thrown that worst man dis sati KRG was ‘poor in bed.’

He’s mocking her for ‘kukonda’ a mere month after she took off from their crib with the tois!

Seven years is a long time, but the Smitts advice is everyone calm the f*** down, especially as there are tois involved (forget the toxic sis/in-laws, watoto ni wenu wawili).

Lay off the insult salad, it just entertains us, and get on with co-parenting with some distance and rules ‘speck!

Lastly, there are exes like Tanasha Donna who were long abandoned physically if not fiscally by regional musical King Pins, but still fantasise of becoming huge stars like their baby daddies.

Instead of lecturing us on how to support you by downstreaming sijui your miznik from Apple, Boomplay, Spotify n Deezer, dear, pliz be prolific like Mejja n give us collabos with Matata crew.

Yaani, ‘cheza chini,’ and feel the Friday vibe.

Smitta Bonus: Shout out to Ndunge Martin and others (like Maw Amimo) who are actually doing their Masters n PhDs in local/SA unis on the Smitt’s books. Makes the lit hustle worth whilish.