My second wife is a serial cheat, help me, I don't know what to do
Dear Pastor Kitoto,
I am 48 years old, my wife is 30 years. My first wife, with whom I had three children, died 10 years ago. I have two children with my second wife, a 10-year-old girl and a boy who is six years.
In 2015 when she gave birth to the boy, I argued that I wasn’t his father since he didn’t resemble me – my wife and I are dark-skinned. We parted ways and she reported me to the Children’s Court but we eventually settled the matter through intervention from elders and she returned, only for me to find out that she was cohabiting with another man during the separation.
In fact, I caught them together in my shop which she was operating, and I chased her away. She begged me for forgiveness, and after six months of separation, I took her back. Three years later, she’s at it again, and is having an affair with a man in our estate. Kitoto, at my age, I don’t foresee a future with this woman. Help me because I don’t want to mess my tomorrow.
From your email, it appears that your wife decided to be promiscuous, a factor that, understandably, is a source of great distress to you. Such tendencies have a root that goes way back in a person’s life. For example, what was her life like before she married you? Another factor that could come into play is how you treat her. That said, as a married woman, the reasons for her actions, however strong, do not warrant this level of instability, she has shown no commitment to the union that you have together.
Regardless of the problems a couple might have, it is necessary for both to realise that having relationship outside marriage is not the solution. Any action to break the covenant agreement dents a relationship badly.
If your desire is to save your marriage, I suggest a session with a marriage counsellor for a start. Getting to the root of the problems you have faced over the years will be necessary, and I believe that the marriage counsellor will be of great assistance. But, this will require a huge amount of time and commitment.
You have a life to live and two young children to raise, this will require a lot of mental and physical energy. Whether your children are with you or not, they are an innocent party to this war between you and your wife. These children will need emotional support, you therefore need to focus on your healing so that you can make informed decisions.
Take time, reflect, heal and determine the steps you need to take to reorganise your life. As you do this, don’t be tempted to jump into another relationship because this will only complicate your life further.
Why do women believe that it’s the duty of a man to provide everything?
Mine is a comment. I am 27 years old, not dating. The problem with most women out here is the belief that it is the duty of the man to provide everything, that theirs is to sit and make extraordinarily high demands. This is what discourages men my age from getting into a relationship because all we think of is making money and investing. We need partners who will help in building our dreams rather than just spending our money. How I wish I could get one who is hardworking.
I agree with your sentiments to some extent. First, it is important for marriage partners to be collaborators and contributors to the relationship. A satisfying relationship shouldn’t just fulfil the needs of one person, it should fulfil the needs of both.
I, however, disagree to some extent with your generalisation that most women do nothing but wait for their men to provide. On the issue of finances and family provision, there are several categories of spouses: there are those, men and women alike, who are lazy, and therefore sit at home doing nothing, waiting to be provided for. They nag and push but they themselves do little to provide.
In cases where one marries for the money, such a situation is worse. The fact is that there many women who work hard, they may or may not have a career, but put in long hours looking for ways to feed their families. Many get little income that they diligently use to provide for their families and educate their children while the man does nothing or wastes all he earns on alcohol.
It is important for couples to agree from the onset how to share out responsibilities. For example, who will pay the rent? Who will pay school fees? These are important questions that will help a couple develop their philosophy on money within their relationship or marriage.
May caution is: never marry someone for their money or allow someone to use their money to trap you into marriage. When money takes centre stage, the relationship oscillates around it. That said, my view is that in as much as there are women out there that are looking for men with money, there are also others who are hardworking and honest and looking for a man to love.
How do you find such women? Keep an open mind, be a good listener and take time to evaluate what you hear. Relationships are different, and just because your parents and friends are in unhappy relationships does not mean that yours will be unhappy too.
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